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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 113 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Aug 21, 2013 11:30pm PDT
least twice. of laugh nation, america is losing the battle against mary jane. this year new hampshire and illinois legalized medical marijuana bringing the to 20 the number of states where your pharmacist will soon look like this. (laughter) the dude prescribes. (laughter) and folks, the war on nugs used to have a strong ally on cnn's dr. sanjay gupta who opposed legalizing pot until now. >> i want to remind you that in 2009 you wrote a "time" magazine article entitled why i would vote no on pot. you changed your mind. >> i have. and as part of, you know, my thinking, the reason, i have apologized for some of the earlier reporting because i think, you know, we've been terribly and systemically mislead in this country for some time. and i did part of that misleading. >> stephen: wait a second, we were misinformed by a cable news doctor? (laughter) next you'll tell me i can't get directions to my cousin's house from fareed zakaria's gps. come on fareed, less on syria, more on how i get to where greg lives. (laughter) it's bad enough that is an jay gupta or as i now call him ga
Comedy Central
Aug 15, 2013 9:30am PDT
have you with us. thank you, in here, out there. listen, america and all the ships at sea, folks, if you watch this show -- and i hope you do -- you know that i am a proud supporter and occasional savior of the winter olympics. in 2010, the colbert nation sponsored the u.s. speedskaters who took home the gold but, folks, i'm no hero. i'm the guy who funded the hero so i'm more important than the hero. but a new crisis may force me to dust off my red, white and blue nuthugger. jim? >> the winter olympics in russia are just about six months away and there is growing controversy over new antigay laws and about the safety of gay people visiting russia. also gay athletes. >> a russian law unanimously passed in parliament allows for fines and arrests over anything deemed gay propaganda displayed in front of children. >> so how will this be enforced? does this really mean if someone was waving a rainbow flag or peacefully demonstrating or talking to young people about their life that they could be arrested? apparently yes. >> stephen: yes. russia will not tolerate the gays. now this makes s
Comedy Central
Aug 22, 2013 9:00am PDT
hosting "the doily show" america's greatest satirical lace centerpiece program. (laughter) he is eviscerating that lace work and that's a direct copy quote. our guest tonight is senator rand paul, he's going to be with us. (cheers and applause) he's also where we begin tonight. what has senator paul been up to? >> senator rand paul of kentucky heads to iowa. >> he has planned to visit south carolina and nevada. >> tomorrow he headlines a g.o.p. dinner new hampshire. >> i know rand paul, i think he'll run in 2016. >> what stands between the paul dynasty and 2016? >> well, i'll tell you the first thing that stands between them, three (bleep)ing years! (laughter) that's over 50 new iphones from now. (laughter) why are we talking about this election? that brings us to yet another installment of "can't you at least wait until jon stewart comes back?" (laughter) seriously! this is my last week doing this! it's not just that the media is already ramping up their 2016 coverage, it's this some of them are already trying to wind it down. >> i predict the hard right is going to take over th
Comedy Central
Aug 16, 2013 6:50pm PDT
. and so does my pet lawn mower. and these days i can burn carbon to my heart content because america is enjoying a new golden age of flamm able. >> there are 36,000 fracking wells in this country. thousands more open up every year. the price of natural gas has dropped 86% from its high in 2008. we're actually about to start exporting it. >> you could wipe out the unemployment problem in this country overnight by fracking. >> an extraordinary ability now for america to extract its oil and natural gas and, you know, become, you know, energy independent, it's amazing, mazing for america. >> stephen: yes, it's absolutely amazing. energy is so cheap i can finally rolize my dream of making my furnace and air conditioner fight. (laughter) who loves me more, boys. america has found the goose that lays the golden egg. unfortunately, it is pooping all over our house. >> it killed the pond. it killed the fish. killed everything in the pond, no frogs, no turtles, nothing. >> they're poisoning you. and they're telling you there's nothing wrong. and you're the only one that has a problem. >> my ki
Comedy Central
Aug 13, 2013 6:55pm PDT
america where you could say "way to go, einstein" and have an old man say "dang a shane." (laughter) now, the 12th is also home to supreme court justice antonin scalia, meaning that clarence thomas insists he's from there, too. if you're in the 12th don't miss a night out with the minor league trenton thunder. they're always doing something new like the april 30 organ donation awareness night which, coincidentally, was also dollar hot dog night. (cheers and applause) and who has the jersey boys to represent such districts? why, none other than democratic congressman and physicist rush holt. i sat down with representative holt in chairs. congressman, thank you so much for talking to me today. >> good to be with you, stephen. >> stephen: tell me about the fighting 12th. >> it has ethnicities more diverse than you can imagine. you go into a public school in anywhere in that part of the state and you'll find maybe 25 different languages spoken at home. >> stephen: you're the congressman for new jersey's 12th but you are running to be the new senator from new jersey. why do you want to b
Comedy Central
Aug 9, 2013 1:00am PDT
home to roost. >> the department of justice announced today it is going after bank of america, doj says america's second largest bank lied about the riskiness of 850 million dollars in shares of home loans that were sold to investors. >> another big bank could be facing trouble from the federal government. >> jpmorgan chase reports that a preliminary justice department investigation found the bank did indeed break the law while selling residential mortgage bonds from 2005 to 2007. >> yes! accountability. (cheers and applause) >> we got them, baby! whooo! >> accountability. >> yes! yes, sure, justice has been a long time coming but that is just going to make it all the sweeter now. so let's start with bank of america. how many people are going to jail? and just for the sake of simplicity round it up to the nearest 100. >> this is a civil suit so no one is going to jail. (laughter) no one, really? that's-- now i'm to the going to be needing these celebration doves i was going to release. (laughter) we didn't drill holes in the box-- hold on, hold on, no, there's a note to. to whomeve
Comedy Central
Aug 7, 2013 1:00am PDT
] but we start tonight with a subject everybody loves: taxes. who in america doesn't grow up excitedly leaving a box of your old receipts at the foot of your bed on april 15 eve hoping that if you've been good an accountant from the north pole will show up on his magic sleigh and reward you with a surprisingly large invoice from the government? but did you know that our tax system is somehow not universally beloved? >> we need to overhaul our tax code. >> the tax code is broken. it's not fair. >> it is inefficient. our tax code is one of the worst in the world. >> simplify the tax code. we need to change our tax code. >> john: whoa, watch your mouth. you can't just talk to codes like that. they're very sensitive. this is exactly the kind of criticism that drove the morse code to suicide. for all of you morse code fans. yes, look, we all think the tax code needs pruning every now and again. that is why we do it, i imagine, every three to five years. >> our tax code hasn't been reformed since 1986. that's 27 years. >> wow. to put that in perspective, the tax reform act of 1986 happened t
Comedy Central
Aug 14, 2013 9:30am PDT
." >> i'd say "wake up, america." and he said "i have a dream." so weren't you fighting each other? (cheers and applause) what do you think we should remember about the significance of that day? >> it was an unbelievable day. hundreds of thousands of americans came together: blacks, whites, latinos, asian americans, native americans. men. women. children. when i was introduced, i looked up over that audience, the sea of humanity, i saw all of these young people on my right and then i looked to my left i saw many young people in the trees. then i looked straight ahead i saw hundreds and thousands of people young and old with their feet in the water trying to cool off and i said "this is it." and i started speaking. >> stephen: were you nervous? >> no, i was not. i had been arrested and gone to jail many times by the time of the march on washington. i met with president kennedy a few weeks before the march. and president kennedy didn't like the idea of bringing hundreds of thousands of people to washington. he said "if you bring all thee folks to washington, won't there be violence a
Comedy Central
Aug 7, 2013 9:30am PDT
? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back to america's got talent. tonight 12 acts are leaving everything they've got out here. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ what is this i'm feeling? ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: woooo! yes, sir. is everybody happy? (audience booing) >> stephen: we'll be right back.  [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: thanks so much. thank you. thanks, everybody. please, we've got to... folks, welcome back to the colbchella '01, the song of the century of the year of the summer or whatever. i don't know. thank you for joining me for the end of my career. brought to you by hyundai. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: i never thought it would end like this. i never... i didn't. i didn't think it would end like this. i always imagined i'd be crushed under a collapsing pile of emmys. what am i going to do? the only thing that can possibly save me now is some global pop sensation who can perform a mega hit considered by many to be the song of the summer and who just happen to be in my audience right now. >> stephen, i'll sing for you. [ cheers and applause ] >> ste
Comedy Central
Aug 14, 2013 1:00am PDT
yeah. [cheering] [yelling and screaming] >> and now, it's time to play america's favorite game, who made that dog look like that actor. who won that on family ties but then later retreated from society due to mental illness? now let's meet our contestants. good night, kids and go read a book. captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause). >> john: welcome! welcome to "the daily show." my name is john oliver. i am still here for jon stewart who is currently preparing his costume for next year's carnivale. he looks spectacular. (laughter) our guest tonight director of the documentary "the act of killing" joshua oppenheimer will be with us. magnificent film. (applause) we start tonight right here in new york city. >> stop and frisk is a controversial tactic used by police in big cities like new york, los angeles, and philadelphia. in new york, it's been policy for 11 years, defined like this: a person is temporarily detained on the street against his or her will for the purposes of questioning. >> john: that's right, stop and frisk, not just the title of a '90s ripoff of
Comedy Central
Aug 15, 2013 9:00am PDT
don't think even michael davis and the pretty blonde is going to be able to sell cricket to america. >> you never heard of gorgey thompson. >> john: i do. she knows you and i've been asking her about you. >> john: whoa! after the show we'll talk. john: she's fantastic. she was on the news for years. >> ten years. john: good luck selling cricket. >> do you play cricket. john: you know what? everything in britain is class based. so cricket is for posh people. >> really? john: that's not for the likes of me. i know i sound like it. >> what sport did you play as a kid growing up. >> john: soccer. religiously. >> it's a big deal. it's getting bigger and bigger in america. >> john: i want to be a soccer player more than anything else. this was very much plan-b. >> how in the world did this happen? you wanted to play soccer and here you are. >> john: it was a complete lack of physical ability. and that's all. >> you couldn't kick the ball. john: are you a frustrated athlete as well? >> i used to play in bronx park. john: play what? baseball. john: classic. a little football. yeah, sure. >>
Comedy Central
Aug 23, 2013 9:00am PDT
it. >> let's put it in context this was one of the most popular men in america over decades. >> yup, yup. >> hugely influential during his day, hugely wealthy, famous, popular. he was sort of the pt barnum character crossed with hugh hefner, traveled the world. >> that is a hell of a cross. >> i know. >> pt barnum crossed with hugh hefner that is an ungodly. >> okay. >> elmer fudd. >> oh my god. >> i can see it, yes. >> riply was inspiration for the original elmer fudd. >> that's how popular he was, how well-known he was. >> he was hugely, we now know him mainly as those odd like at tk city believe it or not museums but he was a cartoonist at a time when cartoonists kind of ran american newspapers. >> yeah, yachlt it's interesting to track his story. and this is what i love about it, this rags to riches story, sow starts out as this poor buck toothed, stuttering, awkward misfit of a kid but finding something he is good at which is car took. he transfers that into believe it or not concept and little by little that grows. then becomes more popular. but he toiled in obscurity for a lo
Comedy Central
Aug 8, 2013 9:30am PDT
3.6 million front line cashiers, cook and crew in america's fast food industry. a living wage would eliminate 3.6 million poor people. that's the kind of thing hitler used to talk about. if only someone had been around give him a happy meal. layoff laugh and i'm not the only one with maximum rage over the minimum wage, so is fox news anchor and burst tube of pillsbury crescent rolls so is neil cavuto. >> diever tell you when i was a kid you would be grateful for any job you could find. now a lot of kids turn up their noses at fast food jobs and go begging at $11. a lot of folks would be happy with any wage, any time. >> stephen: neil and i are not fixated on our hourly wage. i don't know what i make an hour. that many zeros gives me vertigo. i want to support him in my new segment, "rich white guys agreeing with each other." ( cheers and applause ) folks, if you're out of work, you get up off your sesame seed buns and take anything you can get. just listen to neil's inspiring story. >> all i know is as soon as i turned 16 and heard that a fast food chain called arthur treacher was o
Comedy Central
Aug 2, 2013 9:30am PDT
the story c ontinues in america's crippling meth epidemic. (laughter) science can now grow teeth from stem cells found in ur-- urine so careful next time your dentist says open wide. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> welcome to the report. thank you. for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, it's incredible. do you feel the energy! do you feel the power at my fingertips? these people ready to fight for freedom. folks, thank you so much. thank you so much. please, sit down, everybody. i'm sorry, that kind of love. i had to stand there i thought somebody was carving me for a monument. now nation for the last month i have been hot on the trail of nsa leaker edward snowden. he has eluded authorities by hiding out in a moscow airport. i knew we should have signed an extra decision treaty with au bon pain. well now, folks, this cybertraiter has flown the airport. more than a month after landing atmos y
Comedy Central
Aug 14, 2013 7:25pm PDT
ever covered ever. jason jones reports. >> america has always had an obsession with the wild west. but here in fresno, a modern day jesse james is tearing this once sleepy community apart. and this peaceful hamlet of family farms provided the perfect cover for a trafficking ring so big that the federal government hired a private security firm to bring it down. >> our objective was to investigate the product that was being processed at mr. horn's plant. >> our main base was either here at this corner or north of hi plant. >> we had six to eight agents from sunup to sundown. >> well, he called me a fat ass. >> seems a little dangerous. what kind of product are we talking about? coke? heroine? >> raisins. >> that's code for what? >> raisins. >> he's a raisin outlaw. ♪ ♪ >> this is raisin outlaw marvin horne who is actually accused of defrauding the government of dried fruit because he refused to contribute to the united states national raisin reserve-- which apparently is a real thing that the government uses to help regulate the cost of raisins. >> my biggest issue was the raisin adm
Comedy Central
Aug 8, 2013 7:25pm PDT
your ice ballet. come on, come on, now. is there nothing else that led america to this. >> president obama is cancelling his meeting with russia's president putin over tensions becausest n.s.a. leaker edward snowden. >> john: yes, that is clearly the only reason. it's-- it's always a good idea to pad out with what you really want to say with self-righteous human rights stuff like, "kimberly, we need a break. i don't like your stance on chine and tibetan monks and your boobs are weirding me out." if we want snowden back all we need to do is convince vladimir putin that snowden is gay. that away wayhe'llob a plane into u.s. custody faster than a definitely not homoerotic team of elastic clad men. that quick. actually, russia is not only global leadership story we're dealing with tonight which brins us to our new segment... indeed. now, we've already dealt with russia, so let's see where our magical dploab will take us next egypt! egypt. i just lift egypt. i'm not-- i'm not used to guns. ( laughter ) as the situation in egypt continues to devolve, the u.s. like a polar bear on a hastily
Comedy Central
Aug 9, 2013 1:35am PDT
. can i order that here? >> stephen: really? is that really who you want to burn down with, america? (laughter) yeah, sure, you thought it was funny when your friend said dude, let's get the dog high. but how funny will it be when he says dude, let's eat the dog's penis. now who are the kids going to look up to at cnn? wolf blitzer, you're our only hope. but at least, folks, there are some celebrities we can still look up to thanks to stories like this. >> john malkovich usually not cast as a hero but is being credited with helping safe a man, real life. the acker helped a 77-year-old man who tripped on the sidewalk and then slashed his throat on some scaffolding. widnesses say that malkovich ran over, applied pressure to the man's neck and waited for an ambulance. >> stephen: truly heroic. and it is malkovich so probably a little creepy. and he is not hollywood's only hero. >> there was no special effects. it was the real thing when actor ryan gosling clutched a woman from the path of a speeding taxist when a 17-year-old flipped his mustang t was patrick dempsey to the rescue pryin
Comedy Central
Aug 6, 2013 9:30am PDT
windows because america is in a state of panic. i hope you're wearing a clean diaper because the united states government in cooperation with cable news has once again taken us to code brown. jim? >> high alert. is an attack imminent? >> americans have been put on notice. they may not be safe this month. >> a global travel alert is now in effect for all americans around the world. that's after sources say there's growing intelligence that al-qaeda is planning an attack. as a precaution, the u.s. is closing 22 embassies and consulates. >> u.s. officials say an attack could happen anywhere in the world at any time. it could happen literally at any moment. >> stephen: yes, an attack is imminent, any moment, anywhere, any time. look to your left. look to your right. both of those people could be terrorists. and what about that guy in the middle who keeps looking around so much? what's he planning? folks, this warning is exactly why we invested hundreds of billions of dollars in our intelligence gathering, surrendered our privacy and let the n.s.a. turn the constitution into a choose
Comedy Central
Aug 15, 2013 1:00am PDT
electric and magical ♪ ♪ the happy train's on track ♪ because america is back ♪ yeah! ♪ woo hoo! come on! ♪ - wait, what? [all cheering] - ♪ america is back ♪ america is back - wait, according to that scale, i still have a small wiener! - ♪ america is back - i'm still [bleep] angry! - ♪ back and we're back and we're back ♪ ♪ we're so back, we're so back ♪ ♪ back back back back back ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome to the daily show. [ cheers and applause ] my name is john oliver. i am still sitting in for jon stewart who has been spending the entire summer at training camp with the new york giants. apparently he's extremely happy and in almost constant pain. our guest tonight tv legend and host of the new show crowd goes wild on fox 1 regis philbin is here. [ cheers and applause ] oh, yes, indeed. we start tonight with the news media. now, personally i get all my news from jon stewart and the daily show. which is why i
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 113 (some duplicates have been removed)